Grief and Grieving

Political polarization and sorrow

Grief and Grievance

Grievance devours grief. Grievance is fueled by revenge. By seeking retaliation, we

enact blame and protest a sense of victimhood. Instead of allowing the internal pain

from loss - sadness, anger, woe, hurt, numbness, - we attempt to externalize these

feelings through actions, rituals and complaint.

Grief is loss; it can be on one level loss of someone or something personally dear and

may include bigger issues like a way the social order has failed us. Mourning is more

internal and gets resolved within, sometimes with the help of others or community.

Grievance is part of human nature and can provide temporary relief. It can lead to

social change and a sense of power when channeled constructively. It can, however,

lead to violence and retaliation especially when there has been a breakdown of trust.

We are seeking a way to resolve and express the natural rage and outrage of our

losses.

Current grief can be amplified by past memories in our lives. When we move beyond

personal experience, we see that literature is filled with stories of grief and grievance.

Hamlet avenging his father, Orestes also avenging a father, both consuming the

avenger and the avenged. Plays about vengeance leading to forgiveness and

reconciliation - think Shakespeare’s Tempest. Medea’s revenge for being abandoned.

Frank Bruni in his book on the Age of Grievance and in other OpEd pieces reminds us

that grievance is not necessarily bad and can be “an engine of morally urgent

change.” But, in the extreme it can produce violence like the January 6 attack in

Washington. He also outlines how current leaders portray Americans as being

chumps. Through exaggerations and lies, they create a sense that we’ve been duped,

scammed by liberals and that they and their policies and team are the antidote.

As an alternative to vengeful grievance, The Victim Offender Reconciliation Program

and other heroic efforts at forgiveness provide alternatives to the vicious cycle of harm

and harming. It takes lots of support and strength to arrive at genuine forgiveness and

moving on. The tenets of the program are Relationship, Respect, Responsibility,

Repair and Reintegration achieved with trained facilitators and victims and offenders

willing to participate. Other restorative projects embody similar values and techniques.

When achieved, the result is a greater sense of humanity.

How can we move from vengeful grievances to forgiveness and empathy?